Watching
by Shadowz
Summary: Tifa muses on the connections between herself, Cloud and Aeris as she watches Cloud lay Aeris to rest in the Forgotten City.


Hmm, I'm not really sure how I got the idea for this, but I seem to be on a one-shot kick at the moment, so I thought I'd give this a go! There just seem to be characters I can think as better than others, and Tifa happens to be one of them. Before anyone asks, there aren't any definate pairings in this, so just read it as you will. I guess it's open for interpretation.  
  
Disclaimer: Wow, you know what? FF7- still not mine. Although I highly doubt you own it either, so nyah.  
  
Watching  
  
I'm standing here, watching you as you stride into the waters of the lake, cradling Aeris's body in your arms. Life is cruel- she was too young to die, and yet fairness didn't matter to Sephiroth as he leapt down towards her with his Masamune outsretched. You're carrying her so gently, walking slowly as though you don't want to let her go...  
  
Would you do the same for me if I had died instead, Cloud?  
  
After you rushed forward to catch her, when Sephiroth still stood there, you didn't shout. No, you were too angry for that, I could tell- you were choking on tears that still haven't fallen, so distraught you couldn't even fully express it. It was the first time I've heard you admit to having emotions since we met up again, and the cause of it was Aeris.  
  
Don't get me wrong. I don't hate her- it was, and still is, impossible to hate her. Even though it seemed to me we were in constant competition over our feelings for you, she still treated me as a friend, and a close one at that. I'm grieving as much as everybody else, but I still can't help but wonder...what would you feel if I died? Would you even feel anything at all?  
  
Maybe I just sound bitter, but I hope not. I just don't understand...I don't know...if I had been the one to die, would you be laying me so gradually into the water, hating to loose me? Or would you just throw me in quick and set off again?  
  
No. No, I can't think like that. I know you wouldn't- you have feelings, after all, and you've even admitted it. And, despite not knowing exactly how you'd react, I do know that you'd feel at least a little regret. How much, I don't know.  
  
People have a habit of not realising what they have until they loose it. Perhaps that's how it was with you and Aeris, you not realising that she wouldn't always be there until Sephiroth's Masamune pierced through her flesh. It's certainly how it was for you and me, me not knowing how much you meant to me until you'd left Nibelheim to follow your dream of joining SOLDIER. Every day, I'd hope to hear some news of you, only to find disappointment when there was nothing. When I found you again in Midgar, after all those years...it was then, seeing you, talking to you, being with you...that I was able to put words to what I felt.  
  
I love you.  
  
It's surprising how difficult those words are to say though. I'm scared that if I tell you that, I'll push you away. At first, that was the whole reason- that, and the fact that I can't bear to feel even more guilt at questioning a history that doesn't quite match mine- but before long, Aeris arrived on the scene, and all I could do was watch as you took up the role of her bodyguard, and as the two of you grew closer.  
  
Physically, I may be strong, but mentally, I'm quite a coward, I think. Loosing you the first time, back when we were kids, made me realise that perhaps my hero wouldn't be there to rescue me when I needed it, and that's why I was so eager to study martial arts when Zangan came to Nibelheim. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you a second time, but it's the all to realistic fear that it might destroy me that makes me almost willing to keep my feelings locked up tight forever. I feel physically sick at the thought of driving you away, of never seeing you again- but just as bad at the thought of living as just a friend to you forever. Still, if the latter option means that I can stay near you...  
  
What am I saying? Every time you look at me, stand near me, talk to me, it hurts because I know, deep down, that I'm just your childhood friend. After all, love isn't just something you can ignore- feelings can't be switched on and off like a lightbulb. What do you feel for me, Cloud? What do you feel for Aeris, as you finally let her go, stepping back with a hand clasped to your heart and a pained expression as you watch her sink under the water?  
  
Aeris...I almost envy her. Almost feel jealous because she seemed to find it so incredibly easy to capture your interest as more than just an acquaintence or friend.  
  
Next to me, Yuffie is sobbing uncontrollably, mumbling something in what sounds like her native Wutainese through her steady streams of tears. The little I can see of Vincent's face behind his high collar is twisted in sorrow as he shows an uncharacteristic sympathy in placing his human hand on Yuffie's heaving unarmoured shoulder. Barret is shaking with supressed tears that I know he's refusing to cry, and Cid has his head bowed- even Cait Sith is quiet for once. The silence is broken as RedXIII lets out a mournful howl, one of the saddest sounds I've ever heard- after listening to you describing your grief at Aeris's death, that is.  
  
The sound seems to bring you out of your reverie, making to turn to begin wading back towards us, face obscured as you look down at the waters that have finally taken Aeris- goodbye, friend. Oh, Cloud, just let your tears out- I wish you'd cry, scream, anything but this silence.  
  
Please, Cloud...let it all go. Let her go...please...for your sake...and for mine.  
  
You finally make it back to shore, and as you pass me, you look up, just for the briefest of moments. That moment, staring into your eyes...it hurts, Cloud, hurts that your already bringing up an ice shield to hide those raw emotions I could see there- pain, love, anguish, guilt. Why won't you let me help you, Cloud? I wish you would. I wish you'd talk to me, tell me about your thoughts and feelings, let me comfort you.  
  
I wish you'd love me the same way that I do you.  
  
I sigh, a heavy sound I think the others assume is for Aeris, and shake my head as we all set off after you. Your heart is broken, completely shattered, and I understand all too well how that feels. All you need at the moment is a friend, not a lover- maybe that's all you'll ever need. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.  
  
Maybe one day, I'll have the chance and courage to tell you my feelings. Until then, I'll just keep watching.  
  
Well, hope you liked it. It must be a miracle- I wrote something under five pages long! And yeah, I know that in the game, there's only your current party members watching Aeris being put into the lake, but I thought they'd all probably be there. Anyways, please review and let me know what you think! Reviews are very much appreciated, and thank you for reading. 


End file.
